Simply Soulmates

Sometimes, my heart is still broken. Sometimes, I still look at you and wonder how you’re a different person and I wonder how I fooled myself for so long when you weren’t my same love. You weren’t the guy who surprised me with fun dates and wanted to hug me tight and made me waffles at 2am and who texted me telling me you wanted to be with me. I thought one day we’d recreate that picture of you on one knee. I thought we could be fixed. I thought it was normal to not be loved back. I thought it was normal to not be loved back. I loved you nonetheless. Sometimes I still can’t believe that you aren’t mine anymore.

But what if I’m still in love with you?

I am terrified but I think I might be love again.

My heart and mind are sick with nostalgia. They drown in a pool of memories that appeared out of the blue. The blue that is your eyes. The blue that I tried to suppress. But the wall was too weak for the arsenal of you behind it and slowly you dripped back in. So now here I am drowning again. Drowning drowning drowning in blue.

I've been trying to find what to write for him. There are all these words, emotions, thoughts running around and I haven't been able to solidify them. But they all point to one thing, I'm so incredibly happy and I am so thankful to be with someone so wonderful and thoughtful who seems to harmonize so wonderfully with me. I am so incredibly lucky to hear 100 I love yous a and kisses each day and be able to return the favor as well. I am happy and I want to remember this. Remember that I never thought this day would come.

I miss him. Not how I did before but my god I miss him. If that was really goodbye, it's not how I wanted it. And I don't know how long it's going to take to wish that I could say it the right way. But some days it still rips my heart out of my chest.

God dammit. I miss being able to ask 'are you okay?' Say 'Merry Christmas' and end with 'talk to you later'. I wish there was a way to talk without cutting ourselves back open. Because no part of me wants that. Yet I do hope you're doing okay.

Oh my god I'm so fucking mad right now. Normally I'd text abby about something like this but obviously I can't right now. How fucking DARE she. To publicly call her ex girlfriend a cunt on tumblr. And accuse her of shit talking?? When literally yesterday abby was telling me how she hoped she was doing okay and wished she could check on her. I am so close to going and fighting her or texting her or starting shit. That is so disrespectful. And maybe she was also hurting as abby was but to put it on social media and blame abby of consciously doing what she was likewise doing to her? Fucking awful oh my god I'm fucking mad right now. That's so rude and disrespectful.

Have you forgotten that you ever loved me?

The cutest response💕

The first time you broke me, I told you I wouldn’t make promises anymore when you asked me not to hurt myself and to text you when I got home safe. I said no. I don’t make promises because I didn’t believe in them. Words meant nothing.

Then you broke me again, a few more times actually. And now I realize it was not promises that I lost belief in, it was you. And that fact that I, for even a second, let you take away the safety of the idea of genuine honesty and commitment to anything from me hurts. The fact that I lost faith and hope in the possibility of that hurts. I gave up on that honesty and commitment and it’s existence. But I will not destroy what I want and believe in because you turned out to be a shitty person. No. I will keep making promises. Because me? I was the one who always kept them.

Tonight he called me his heaven. I'm thankful that he is also mine.

All the days I wasted on him I'll make up by loving you.

And I let my body stop breathing. I let my eyes cross and everything became blurry. I stopped breathing and begged my body to give out on me. To give up on me. I mean, you already had.

You have no idea that on nights like these, I tend to lie awake remembering you. And on nights like these I wonder if I walked away from what was supposed to be my forever. I don't forget the bad but I also can't forget the good. And I wonder if I should have ignored the bad like I always had. We made it this far, and I know it wasn't okay but maybe the love would have been enough to make me happy when it was there. But I lay awake at night and wonder if you still remember what it felt like to hold me. Do you remember the way you held me cradled in your lap with my head on shoulder? Or do your new girls fit there just the same? Do you remember how my lips tasted? Yours have started to fade from my memory and it scares me. But I can still feel your hair in my hands as we lay with no space between us. Do you remember how our hearts beat against each other's chests? Or has the memory of mine been replaced? I know you think that I put you in a box and said goodbye. But the truth is he will never replace you nor will the next boy or even my husband someday. You will always be you. You will always be my first love. And there are parts of me I just can't find anymore and I know it's because I left them with you. You will always have a piece of my heart and maybe you don't want it and you'll get rid of it. But I couldn't take it back, not after how I loved you.

Mind spinning thinking of you I wonder if it will ever settle.